apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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