The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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