How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
