Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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