and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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