if you like me you must not know who I am
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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