the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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