i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
