the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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