There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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