Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't deserve a penis
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
