I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize