i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
