proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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