Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
