I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
