i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
