My liver just broke up with me...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
