420 ftw
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
