I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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