Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
