and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
