rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
