Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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