i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
