dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
