2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
