Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
