I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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