If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im holly from the hills drunk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
