billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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