My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
