Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
