Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
