If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
