Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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