I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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