Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
