Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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