Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
