her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
