I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
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Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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