I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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