There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
