I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
