I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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