he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
