is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
