last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
