I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
