I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
