I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh god it's open bar.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
