my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
