He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
