She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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