just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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