My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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