I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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