The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
