I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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